Dear Shaun,

You used to do an Astrology Column at the beginning of the month when you wrote for Worcester Magazine. Will you be doing that here on your Substack that you let everyone read for free, but if subscribers like it and want to support it they could kick in a little money every month to keep it going?

Dear Avid Astrologer,

Why yes, I was definitely planning on doing so! I love astrology as a meme. I love that a lot of my peers are on board with it’s weird pseudoscience beliefs. I love that its a less dangerous QAnon for a younger generation. Here is this month’s look ahead:

Capricorn- You get to be the leader on new beginnings and new starts. Keep your streak up of not shitting your pants, you can go a full year I know it.

Aquarius- You always have the post-holiday blues. It’s tough. Even if you don’t enjoy the holidays, you get depressed by the lack of a rush of actively hating on them. Pick an enemy for 2023, focus on them.

Pisces- Ever been deep sea fishing? Go do it. If you have already done that, I got nothing, retire from whatever job you have a pack it in. You’ve done it all, my dude.

Aries- Start a rumor about yourself. Nothing crazy, way more innocuous. Something like, Kiefer Sutherland once drunkenly punched you and that it’s too traumatic for you so you can’t talk about it. Also, he was too drunk to remember. Or, that you have a tail.

Taurus- Next time you’re in a bathroom stall and someone tries to open it and can’t because it’s locked, yell out: “oops!”

Gemini- Sign up for every credit card that offers a gift, you can decorate your whole apartment with that stuff and you can look so cool with all of those cards!

Cancer- Become a snake guy. Remember in the 90s when your whole personality could just be a guy sitting on a Huffy in a downtown public place with a snake wrapped on their shoulders? That guy got a lot of action. But its 2023 so anyone can wrap a snake around them, no matter how you identify.

Leo- Get really into the 7 Years War and send me a report on it next month.

Virgo- Do you make your own shakes? If so, stop immediately and give me your food processor. (I forgot to put it on our registry).

Libra- Don’t just keep buying new socks. You have to do laundry at some point.

Scorpio- Spin a globe and point at a random spot. Wherever your finger lands, you have no declared war on that area. Choose randomly, but wisely. Your choices will greatly effect the state of humanity. But if you happen to land on Guam, just be like, “lol, oh Guam.”

Sagittarius- This is the month you remember your Hulu password.